As much as I would like things to work out together between us, things are just not the way that we always want them to be.
I am worried that things might not work out between us, not the relationship part, but rather the whole ‘staying in Singapore’ part. Perhaps in L’s mind, I am making this decision because I wanted to be with him. Well, partially because I really wanted to be with him. Another part of me just wanted to leave Malaysia for good, or the longest possible time, if possible.
We have decided to cut our cost to the minimal in Singapore. Cutting out room rents and etc.
A couple of friends had advised me to drop the idea and stop being such a charity. They think that I have a mindset that I would expect something in return. People said that *higher expectations would lead to higher disappointment when things fails*. I beg to differ. I say *higher expectations would give higher satisfaction when things worked out*.
I am still afraid. I am afraid that I might fail surviving in Singapore. I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone here in Malaysia. My very own home, my own family and what not. Then again, I really want to explore. I had wanted to go to Singapore for the longest time ever. L being there is partially the reason why I am making this drastic change in my life.
I say that love is complicated because we do not know how things are being developed into. There is no architect plans or anything that we can follow and make minor adjustments that we encounter during the structure building. There are no blue prints to follow, no professional certificates that you can obtain.
I wanted to see if he is willing to leave his comfort zone himself to work things out himself. I was worried because he said that he would take a part time, but kept on dragging it since the start. He promised that he would take a part time in Singapore but viewing it from this side of the road is really giving me doubts. I felt that sometimes he needs to be push a little, but I was afraid that I might be pushing him till the extend of shoving him with things that he do not want to do. I can’t kept on testing things on him because L is not a lab rat, nothing close.
*My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won’t you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.*
*The words are hushed, “let’s not get busted.”
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
“Hey did you get some?”
Man that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they can’t hear.
So we can get some.*
Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional.