Feeling guilty

I know my love life has been very complicated. Since my childhood, I had not many company. My closest friend is staying away from me because of work, and perhaps because he is also feeling guilty for borrowing so much money from me and not able to return back to me, but that is another story.

When I am with the boy, our relationship has been up and down. More on the down side, because we exchange words that we regret after that. I agree that my temper has been a major set down on what things has become, and I cannot blame the boy for that.

How complicated can things be, one might ask.

Well, since April, I have been thinking of moving on, find another partner, another lover and someone that I can put my attention to. Just a couple of days back, I manage to find this someone, and then the boy told me that he found his new love, I don’t know why, but I broke down in tears.

A couple days later today, I realized that I am not being fair to my new boy friend.

Why ? Because I have showed my boy that I still think of L, I still miss him, and I cried for him. Tears just would not stop gushing out from the side of my eyes.

The boy’s computer is still lying on the floor. I have replaced the motherboard and the processor, but I have yet to reinstall Microsoft Windows for him. I dare not touch the machine, I do not want to because I know if I do, I will start thinking of him.

My room is full of memories of the boy, that I sometimes dare not step in to my room. The shirt that the boy choose for me, the pants that we choose together, the color of the shirt that both of us liked. The picture frame that I have of him in front of my computer, the hard disk full of pictures that I have of the boy, almost every single thing that I do, I think of the boy.

I am trying to move on, I recently found a boy that I have interest with. I wasn’t sure if I am being fair to him or not, because I still miss the boy. The boy has been a very great impact in my life to me. We share every single feelings that we have, or at least I know I did. I am still paying for the boy’s studies, I still want to, but I wasn’t sure if wanting something, is equal to doing something right. You know that feeling, that feeling …

I miss the boy, I think he probably had blocked me from MSN already. I saw his MSN name, something in the line of “I have lose to you, I cannot not love you” or “loving a person can be depreciated, love by someone only got a little value, but love and give is what I dream on.”

Was these messages from the boy to me? It sure felt like it. Was it a message that he is putting in the other party? I don’t know. It might be, it might not be. I am confused, frustrated, and deeply missing the boy.

For the past few days, the boy’s MSN name has been in Chinese. I suspect that his new boy friend is Chinese educated. The boy do not know how to write Chinese, he speaks, but not write. A lot of things has changed, suddenly, I feel that the Chinese messages were not meant for me.

Tears are starting to flow again…

I feel guilty for having two hearts together two different person. The boy can give me the feelings that no other of my ex boy friends can, the boy is almost everything, but not the relationship.

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4 Responses to Feeling guilty

  1. kevin September 5, 2008 at 12:06 am #

    keep cool……..i have been thru it b4. After 5 mths it still hurts. But life must and has to go on. Take care.

  2. Dandor September 5, 2008 at 7:03 am #

    i had an experience like yours.

    it is really bad and suffer. i tried to forget him, but finally i know that, time is taken for forget a person…

    as kevin said, life must go on. you must take a good care of yourself and your new love.

    life is great! cheers up!!!

    regards, dandor.

  3. kit September 6, 2008 at 1:13 am #

    as both kevin and dandor says, it will take some time to get over all this.

    i used to live with someone too and when they left the house was just a trap for all the memories. and it was a torture chamber for me for a long time.

    i think you are caught between letting go of the past and wanting to move on. and it is difficult. and you are right, being with someone new when you haven’t really gotten over your ex can be a strain on any new relationships.

    i think that it is perfectly fine to let yourself cry. feel the hurt and really let it out. then, pack everything up (or get a friend to help you) and put every reminder into a box and store it away. the feelings won’t go away instantly but at least you are not reminded every second. allow yourself to grief. then pull yourself together, take a deep breath and try to pick up the pieces from there.

    i have achieved a lot of closure through my blog. anger, sadness, everything just let out into cyberspace. you can do that too. and judging from all the nice things everyone has said here, you know that you have a great support system in place here.

    take care.

  4. Paul September 6, 2008 at 3:12 pm #

    Takes a while to get well but you’ll get there 🙂 In the meantime, go find your friends!