Confused, frustrated and blank

Even thought we are seeing each other now, it seems like the situation has not improve at all. I don’t know how should I put it, but I am trying to do everything that I possibly can to get back L’s trust, and the relationship. I guess this is my ‘last card’ before I really give up and move on. 4 years is quite a bit of wait, especially for a person that is impatient like me.

Lester has been struggling with his studies. He had not been having good sleep since then. I had told him that I would not mind getting him to Singapore to further his studies, and in the mean time, I can too start a new life there. It works both ways, depending on if we wanted it to work or not.

In a way, I am also buying time to make the relationship work. We will be staying together, and doing things together. Basically living together. Would things work out better then? For me, I am going there for the right reason, to start myself with a new life and dump everything here in Malaysia. My hatred towards my company, towards the people that I know here make me even want to move to Singapore even more. The question then struck me, if the relationship doesn’t work, then how?

I do understand that L need his time out sometimes. To be with his friends, people that’s the same age with him. I could not take the out of the sudden, because a couple of months ago, he is the only person that I see, and I am the only person that he sees. I can spend hours and hours of my time and his time together.

Why would I be doing all these, to send L to Singapore for his studies? There really is not much reason but to see him grow up equipped with something that I do not have. I do however hope that in a way, I can buy some time, for our courtship. Having that said, it is really as if I am buying the courtship by paying for his education. I am confused as well.

One of the big obstacles that both me and L are facing is actually me. Me being being hot tempered with him always, getting pissed off for small little things that L said, or small little gestures that I do not like.

Lester give me the mindset that he wants us to be together. I wasn’t sure if the education was a big big encouragement for him, but I certainly do not hope so. In the past, L had not show me any signs that he wants money, but rather a companionship, a partner, a boy friend. Then, things might change, in fact many things has changed between us. Whether am I the root cause of it, I do not know.

It all started when L unblocked me from his MSN. I wasn’t sure if he had broken up with his boy friend at that time, but it seems that their relationship was a bit rocky already. Perhaps L just needed someone to talk because he was worried about his studies, well that was what he claimed.

Some of the other things confused me as well, like he would not allow me to hold his hand anymore, in the car. I normally do that with him when we go out. He said to me, that he allowing me to do it once, doesn’t mean I can do it all the time. It really confuses me because he had no problem having sex with me, albeit a little different than last time.

What I dislike the most, is when L goes out with his friends. I really do not mind that he goes out with his normal friends, but going to La Queen isn’t something I was really fond of, thinking about the last incident that happened in the pub; He could spend time with his friends till wee hours in the morning, yet when he is with me, he is tired. His dislike for beers confused me as well because as far as I recall, he loves drinking beer.

I am confused if I am supposed to bring L to Singapore to further his education. I want to do it, but I am just confused with all the facts that are displayed right in front of me. I wasn’t sure if I can handle the kind of stress and the confusion. Then again, if I want to do it, then I should go ahead and do it.

We tried having heart to heart talks. I did finally realized what are the things that L are expected from me. Then, sometimes things are not going too well, perhaps it was because we both have different type of mindset on how things should be. It could because of the age thing, that I am really not sure.

Whatever it is, we have about a month to work things out. A month before we go to Singapore to get things done, and a month to set our targets and expectations. A month to sort out my trust for him, and not to get offended by small little things.

Then, perhaps I was expecting L to do something too much. Example, I would really love that if he could find something to do in the mean time to get his mind off his studies for a while. I told him to try to find a part time. He promised me that he would work out a part time schedule when we are in Singapore, but the false hope that L is placing in front of me really makes me worry.

I must say I am willing to do this, without regret. At least, I had not regretted going up to Genting to pluck a flower (albeit the wrong one) for L to surprise him when he was out with his friends. I had no regret even after being chased for destroying such a beautiful flower, but L doesn’t need to know that.


I am going to stay out of touch with L for a while, perhaps 2 weeks. Mainly to get the finances sorted out, to forget about him for a while, and see how we both feel about each other. In the mean time, I am also going out with a few other people. 2 weeks should be enough to let me think things over, I hope.

I really hope that love can be solve like a mathematics questions. Then again, if all mathematics questions can be solve, then experts would have solve the Riemann zeta-hypothesis already.

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