Confused, frustrated and blank

Even thought we are see­ing each oth­er now, it seems like the sit­u­a­tion has not improve at all. I don’t know how should I put it, but I am try­ing to do every­thing that I pos­si­bly can to get back L’s trust, and the rela­tion­ship. I guess this is my ‘last card’ before I real­ly give up and move on. 4 years is quite a bit of wait, espe­cial­ly for a per­son that is impa­tient like me.

Lester has been strug­gling with his stud­ies. He had not been hav­ing good sleep since then. I had told him that I would not mind get­ting him to Sin­ga­pore to fur­ther his stud­ies, and in the mean time, I can too start a new life there. It works both ways, depend­ing on if we want­ed it to work or not.

In a way, I am also buy­ing time to make the rela­tion­ship work. We will be stay­ing togeth­er, and doing things togeth­er. Basi­cal­ly liv­ing togeth­er. Would things work out bet­ter then? For me, I am going there for the right rea­son, to start myself with a new life and dump every­thing here in Malaysia. My hatred towards my com­pa­ny, towards the peo­ple that I know here make me even want to move to Sin­ga­pore even more. The ques­tion then struck me, if the rela­tion­ship doesn’t work, then how?

I do under­stand that L need his time out some­times. To be with his friends, peo­ple that’s the same age with him. I could not take the out of the sud­den, because a cou­ple of months ago, he is the only per­son that I see, and I am the only per­son that he sees. I can spend hours and hours of my time and his time togeth­er.

Why would I be doing all these, to send L to Sin­ga­pore for his stud­ies? There real­ly is not much rea­son but to see him grow up equipped with some­thing that I do not have. I do how­ev­er hope that in a way, I can buy some time, for our courtship. Hav­ing that said, it is real­ly as if I am buy­ing the courtship by pay­ing for his edu­ca­tion. I am con­fused as well.

One of the big obsta­cles that both me and L are fac­ing is actu­al­ly me. Me being being hot tem­pered with him always, get­ting pissed off for small lit­tle things that L said, or small lit­tle ges­tures that I do not like.

Lester give me the mind­set that he wants us to be togeth­er. I wasn’t sure if the edu­ca­tion was a big big encour­age­ment for him, but I cer­tain­ly do not hope so. In the past, L had not show me any signs that he wants mon­ey, but rather a com­pan­ion­ship, a part­ner, a boy friend. Then, things might change, in fact many things has changed between us. Whether am I the root cause of it, I do not know.

It all start­ed when L unblocked me from his MSN. I wasn’t sure if he had bro­ken up with his boy friend at that time, but it seems that their rela­tion­ship was a bit rocky already. Per­haps L just need­ed some­one to talk because he was wor­ried about his stud­ies, well that was what he claimed.

Some of the oth­er things con­fused me as well, like he would not allow me to hold his hand any­more, in the car. I nor­mal­ly do that with him when we go out. He said to me, that he allow­ing me to do it once, doesn’t mean I can do it all the time. It real­ly con­fus­es me because he had no prob­lem hav­ing sex with me, albeit a lit­tle dif­fer­ent than last time.

What I dis­like the most, is when L goes out with his friends. I real­ly do not mind that he goes out with his nor­mal friends, but going to La Queen isn’t some­thing I was real­ly fond of, think­ing about the last inci­dent that hap­pened in the pub; He could spend time with his friends till wee hours in the morn­ing, yet when he is with me, he is tired. His dis­like for beers con­fused me as well because as far as I recall, he loves drink­ing beer.

I am con­fused if I am sup­posed to bring L to Sin­ga­pore to fur­ther his edu­ca­tion. I want to do it, but I am just con­fused with all the facts that are dis­played right in front of me. I wasn’t sure if I can han­dle the kind of stress and the con­fu­sion. Then again, if I want to do it, then I should go ahead and do it.

We tried hav­ing heart to heart talks. I did final­ly real­ized what are the things that L are expect­ed from me. Then, some­times things are not going too well, per­haps it was because we both have dif­fer­ent type of mind­set on how things should be. It could because of the age thing, that I am real­ly not sure.

What­ev­er it is, we have about a month to work things out. A month before we go to Sin­ga­pore to get things done, and a month to set our tar­gets and expec­ta­tions. A month to sort out my trust for him, and not to get offend­ed by small lit­tle things.

Then, per­haps I was expect­ing L to do some­thing too much. Exam­ple, I would real­ly love that if he could find some­thing to do in the mean time to get his mind off his stud­ies for a while. I told him to try to find a part time. He promised me that he would work out a part time sched­ule when we are in Sin­ga­pore, but the false hope that L is plac­ing in front of me real­ly makes me wor­ry.

I must say I am will­ing to do this, with­out regret. At least, I had not regret­ted going up to Genting to pluck a flower (albeit the wrong one) for L to sur­prise him when he was out with his friends. I had no regret even after being chased for destroy­ing such a beau­ti­ful flower, but L doesn’t need to know that.


I am going to stay out of touch with L for a while, per­haps 2 weeks. Main­ly to get the finances sort­ed out, to for­get about him for a while, and see how we both feel about each oth­er. In the mean time, I am also going out with a few oth­er peo­ple. 2 weeks should be enough to let me think things over, I hope.

I real­ly hope that love can be solve like a math­e­mat­ics ques­tions. Then again, if all math­e­mat­ics ques­tions can be solve, then experts would have solve the Rie­mann zeta-hypoth­e­sis already.

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