A loose end

The gloomy weath­er is mak­ing me feel­ing depressed. Sud­den­ly, it felt as if I am lost, in a wide open space. Every­thing just speeds on so fast, things beside us changed too rapid­ly that we can’t cope with the speed.

So many things needs to be answered. Uncer­tain­ties, con­fu­sion and what not.

When you are so used to hav­ing some­one by your side and you become com­fort­able, out of the sud­den you let down your deter­rent but when you begin to believe in the most amaz­ing things that could hap­pen to you. It sim­ply wears off when you real­ized you have just been ide­al­is­tic and unre­al­is­tic.

Some­times, we will have those days where we need some­one to talk to. Tech­ni­cal­ly we are not lone­ly because there are peo­ple all around us all the time. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, not every­one beside us under­stand us like how we want them to be. Per­haps it is because are were all born incom­plete, which is why we need to search for the oth­er half to com­plete us, a soul mate, a dar­ling, a lover.

It is often not easy, but we try any­way. We allow some­one to know us, and even­tu­al­ly fall in love with us. Some­times, when the right one didn’t come to res­cue us in time, we call for the wrong one, and make them the right one for us.

Deep on our hearts, no mat­ter how busy we are, we know that there is this spe­cial some­one for us. We can­not just ask some­one to love us the way we want them to, because this is not the way it works. Just when I thought I love L as much, it was a love too much. Like a preda­tor chas­ing for its prey, we chase for desires and sat­is­fac­tion.

I was in a dilem­ma. It is hard but true that we can­not always be togeth­er with the some­one that we love the most, and have that some­one love you as much in return. Nev­er­the­less, sat­is­fi­able deci­sion should not be made mere­ly because you are sur­round­ed with bound­aries. It’s not fair to love some­one because you think that he’s the best you can get rather he’s the best you need.

I held my believe in love when I had my first rela­tion­ship with a boy that I hard­ly know. He is a clos­et gay, and is much more younger than me. Although he was car­ing and able to sat­is­fy my phys­i­cal needs, there are still the some­thing that we did not do that qual­i­fy us as lovers. It was sex that tied us togeth­er.

I share strange rela­tion­ships with younger guys I know, or peo­ple that I hard­ly know. Per­haps because deep inside me, I still have that child grow­ing. Not child­ish, but a mere child-like behav­ior. My sec­ond rela­tion­ship was a fail­ure and I had only real­ized it after 14 months togeth­er with a boy that not only taxed me men­tal­ly, but finan­cial­ly. I want­ed to be exclu­sive to some­one, and not just a sec­ondary object. I broke up again because I firm­ly believe that I should spend more time with my lover, and not him with his friends.

When I met L, it was a love hate rela­tion­ship. Hate it because it had hap­pened too fast. We were lovers on the sec­ond day itself. He was the per­son that I have been search­ing for, the some­one that I know real­ly cares about me.

When I saw L being togeth­er with some­one else, the whole gay cir­cle con­cept that I have been deny­ing final­ly can put the pieces into place. It does work in cir­cles because the guy that you fucked was some­one your friends have sex with the pre­vi­ous week.

I miss L, I miss those hugs and kiss­es that L show­ered me always. I promised him that I would love him my whole life and make him my bet­ter half. My bad treat­ments to him was the only thing that kept us apart.

Nor­mal­ly, a rela­tion­ship come in four stages; the first stage involved delight­ful mes­sages, fre­quent phone calls and sur­pris­es, the sec­ond stage which is usu­al­ly the sweet moment, the third stage expect bick­er­ing and fight­ing occa­sion­al­ly, last­ly the fourth stage that will be the break­ing point deter­mine the out­come.

The imper­fec­tion of this ide­al rela­tion­ship seems to be clear­er to me. Per­haps L was pro­cras­ti­nat­ing and unwill­ing to sav­age our rela­tion­ship with bits of romance? Who am I to judge? I was the one that call out for the break, I was the one that sent out the nasty mes­sages to L. I was also the one that is try­ing to fix things up, no mat­ter how bro­ken it is.

What we need­ed some­time is reas­sur­ance no mat­ter what we have cho­sen because with­out it we won’t be con­fi­dent enough to car­ry on. An encour­age­ment is essen­tial to moti­vate any­one to work even hard­er in what­ev­er he is doing so much so that even when we were dis­ap­point­ed it keeps us going.

I believe that when you gain some­thing at the same time you lose some­thing which I called ratio­nal sac­ri­fices. You do not lose so much that you feel that you are the only one sus­tain­ing a rela­tion­ship. I’ve adjust­ed the way I deal and treat L because sin­gle and attached is just not the same any­more. L, when you are ready to let go the dilem­ma that you are fac­ing, please come to me.

Please do not give up on some­thing that deserves a sec­ond chance.

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