A loose end

The gloomy weather is making me feeling depressed. Suddenly, it felt as if I am lost, in a wide open space. Everything just speeds on so fast, things beside us changed too rapidly that we can’t cope with the speed.

So many things needs to be answered. Uncertainties, confusion and what not.

When you are so used to having someone by your side and you become comfortable, out of the sudden you let down your deterrent but when you begin to believe in the most amazing things that could happen to you. It simply wears off when you realized you have just been idealistic and unrealistic.

Sometimes, we will have those days where we need someone to talk to. Technically we are not lonely because there are people all around us all the time. Unfortunately, not everyone beside us understand us like how we want them to be. Perhaps it is because are were all born incomplete, which is why we need to search for the other half to complete us, a soul mate, a darling, a lover.

It is often not easy, but we try anyway. We allow someone to know us, and eventually fall in love with us. Sometimes, when the right one didn’t come to rescue us in time, we call for the wrong one, and make them the right one for us.

Deep on our hearts, no matter how busy we are, we know that there is this special someone for us. We cannot just ask someone to love us the way we want them to, because this is not the way it works. Just when I thought I love L as much, it was a love too much. Like a predator chasing for its prey, we chase for desires and satisfaction.

I was in a dilemma. It is hard but true that we cannot always be together with the someone that we love the most, and have that someone love you as much in return. Nevertheless, satisfiable decision should not be made merely because you are surrounded with boundaries. It’s not fair to love someone because you think that he’s the best you can get rather he’s the best you need.

I held my believe in love when I had my first relationship with a boy that I hardly know. He is a closet gay, and is much more younger than me. Although he was caring and able to satisfy my physical needs, there are still the something that we did not do that qualify us as lovers. It was sex that tied us together.

I share strange relationships with younger guys I know, or people that I hardly know. Perhaps because deep inside me, I still have that child growing. Not childish, but a mere child-like behavior. My second relationship was a failure and I had only realized it after 14 months together with a boy that not only taxed me mentally, but financially. I wanted to be exclusive to someone, and not just a secondary object. I broke up again because I firmly believe that I should spend more time with my lover, and not him with his friends.

When I met L, it was a love hate relationship. Hate it because it had happened too fast. We were lovers on the second day itself. He was the person that I have been searching for, the someone that I know really cares about me.

When I saw L being together with someone else, the whole gay circle concept that I have been denying finally can put the pieces into place. It does work in circles because the guy that you fucked was someone your friends have sex with the previous week.

I miss L, I miss those hugs and kisses that L showered me always. I promised him that I would love him my whole life and make him my better half. My bad treatments to him was the only thing that kept us apart.

Normally, a relationship come in four stages; the first stage involved delightful messages, frequent phone calls and surprises, the second stage which is usually the sweet moment, the third stage expect bickering and fighting occasionally, lastly the fourth stage that will be the breaking point determine the outcome.

The imperfection of this ideal relationship seems to be clearer to me. Perhaps L was procrastinating and unwilling to savage our relationship with bits of romance? Who am I to judge? I was the one that call out for the break, I was the one that sent out the nasty messages to L. I was also the one that is trying to fix things up, no matter how broken it is.

What we needed sometime is reassurance no matter what we have chosen because without it we won’t be confident enough to carry on. An encouragement is essential to motivate anyone to work even harder in whatever he is doing so much so that even when we were disappointed it keeps us going.

I believe that when you gain something at the same time you lose something which I called rational sacrifices. You do not lose so much that you feel that you are the only one sustaining a relationship. I’ve adjusted the way I deal and treat L because single and attached is just not the same anymore. L, when you are ready to let go the dilemma that you are facing, please come to me.

Please do not give up on something that deserves a second chance.

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