It was just moments ago before I leave the hotel room to Incheon, that I weigh myself on the scale. I gained another 5kg of weight. It was nothing unusual, really.

Come every December, it seems to be the month where I gain some weight. Perhaps due to the kinda depression that I have to go through, or perhaps it was due to the holiday and year end. I would like to think that it was because of the holiday, but deep inside, I know it was because I miss The Boy.

I have to admit, I tend to eat a lot when I am down and depressed. Depression has seem to be the every day of my life now. I could try not to think of it by trying to do something productive. It doesn’t last long before my mind start wandering again; yes I can’t seem to concentrate on doing something that I want to do.

As my iPod plays my favourite songs, that one song that me and The Boy liked started playing. I remember myself putting that song into a playlist that strictly labelled as “Do not play this play list, you dumb arse” but it never seem to work, not how I want to, anyways.

I finally made it there, I thought I had made a clean getaway; I met someone whom I thought we share the same mutual affections, the same someone that would give me that warm tender love that I would give the same. I miss you, I miss you every single day.

I thought I was strong, strong enough to beat that urge not to let that drop of tear escape. At 40,000 feet above sea level, it is quite impossible to get out from here.

I should have seen it coming. That thought of you going out with someone sends the shivers down the spine. It was back to the days before we part our ways that I still remember vividly. That day where you told me what had happened the previous night. I was furious; how can I not be?

It still hurts me the day when you started to ignore my calls. It still hurts me that you had agree to go along with another guy. What happened to our mutual agreement that we would be together? What had happened so badly that you had to put away everything that we build so hard?

It saddens me even more that the other guy did not trust you enough to let you stay alone at his home. It saddens me that you had to run off to hiding whenever there is a raid to his premise. It saddens me that you have to sit at his work place waiting for him to go along with whatever illegal business that he is doing.

What sadden me most is despite all that, you still choose to be with him.

Were you really that desperate to make that loud statement to me that you had somewhat found someone better in your life? How long did that last you? Three weeks?

I have known you enough that you would not have gone more than a month with that guy. What can he provide you that I could not? I simply just could not understand.

I was angry, and I have every right to be by the way you treated me.

You were angry too, and you have all the rights to be.

But what had happened could have been easily fixed if we were to give in. We did, and it seemed to work, for whatever reasons there was.

I never had the intention to lock you down to my side. I was afraid of losing you, I was afraid of you getting hurt. You in turn, prefer to be left out in the wild. I am not a control freak, I never intend to be, but look at what had happen after that?

The memories seems to fade away, slowly.

“Are you okay, sir.”

The flight attendant were a little concern.

For a moment, I thought it was The Boy. I must have doze off shortly after take off.

“We are crossing the Pacific Ocean,” claimed the flight attendant, with a very heavy Korean accent.

“Could I offer you another drink, sir?” he continues.

“Sure, something alcoholic, please.” I stressed.

“Wine okay for you sir?”

“Ne, kamsamnida.” I thank him in Korean, a simple word that I picked up while in Korea

He smiled back.

I closed the lid of my Macbook Pro, gazing outside of the tiny air craft window, with clouds swiftly passing by from underneath of the plane. I thought I see ships as small as ants, and my thoughts slowly drifted away again.

I have tried so hard to fill that emptiness, that I have forgot sometimes who I am. All I had wanted was you to hold on to, something that I could hold on in return. Was it that hard to be yourself that you be someone else?

Just a day before, I was having the dream. The same dream that I have every time I dream of you. We were blowing the candles off your birthday cake. It was a chocolate cake, the one that you like, with tiny bits of blueberries and strawberries on top. I had purposely gotten it imported because the local ones are just not good enough. I was holding your hand together and we closed our eyes to make that wish.

When I opened my eyes, I felt the emptiness. The kind where I know that you are no longer with me.

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A few days back, as I was browsing on my Whatsapp, I saw a familiar number that was on Whatsapp. It was The Boy’s number; I have kept his number till date, not wanting to remove it from my address book, not wanting to remove him.

Ironic, I am still not able to get him on Facebook, he has just vanished.

I did, rather frequently, dream about him. Variously, about him having his studies, about him being together with me again, but to no avail, I know these are just dreams and will probably will not happen.

To know The Boy so much, and yet to know so little about him is just too tormenting. At times, I still tear myself to sleep, hoping that one day, he would call me.

I know it would probably not happen. I have yet to give up hope.

Happy 21st Birthday, Boy.

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I should be the kinda person that when I press a button on my phone, there should be someone that I could talk to, easily. Instead when I scroll through my address book, all I can find are the numbers of my fuck buddies, sex partners, one night stands and no one else. Has my life ‘evolved’ so much that sex is only what I need, and not love anymore?

To think, the session was pretty fantastic just now, but like an orgasm, it was great and then it died off.

We just fucked, but in actual fact I needed someone to talk to, someone where I could relate.

I did, just a moment ago someone on Facebook added me and we chatted for a short 30 minutes. For that short 30 minutes, I could relate a lot of things to him. It wasn’t anything about sex, but I felt completely opened up, some sort like an open book. Why do I have problems when it comes to someone that I am together with, someone whom I regard as my boy friend?

I can’t talk to my boy friend about my feelings, he would not understand. I relate better with a total stranger. In fact, I sometimes feel that my boy friend is probably someone that I would go to when I need sex, or someone that I go to when I want to get my dick sucked. I know I could have easily find a fuck buddy for that, but things are just that between me and him. We could no longer click.

Then it comes when we break up. We eventually get back together. It is as if nothing had happen, and we would fuck like bunnies again. Why?

I just met this cute little thing on Facebook, and I could tell him so many things about myself. Things that I myself do not know about. Why is that so? Am I really that of a lonely person, that in fact what I really need is not just about good sex, but a person whom I can talk with, a person who will listen, and perhaps with a little sex in between?

What is it that people look for in a relationship? Is it that I have been in so many relationship that I do not know what am I looking for already? Why is it so damn hard to find someone whom you can spill your beans out, and then have sex together?

Then it comes with being faithful and loyal to each other. Isn’t that a very subjective matter? How loyal can someone get? To some, as long as I am not fucking another person, I am okay. To some, as long as I am not flirting with another person, it should be fine. To me, as long as I do not have feelings for another person, it is fine to me.

At the end of the day, we as human beings, we get horny. When we are horny, we settle it ourself one way or another. Either by fucking someone, or masturbating. If we are all perfectionist, and all being oh so loyal, isn’t masturbating a forbidden territory as well? Don’t tell me you are just going to stare on the wall blankly, I might as well just shoot blanks.

Then why is it so hard to maintain a relationship? Sure people fight and stuffs. Isn’t that the matter of trying to resolve it peacefully, and then get on back on track again?

Why is it so tough to just understand what the other person need and wants, and just give in? Then, if everyone is like this, what makes us, as human beings so different with other mammals?

People say I am simply, I get satisfied with simply things. Why do we have to be so complicated? I am easily satisfied by a plate of fresh Sashimi. I don’t need to get myself to Japan just for that premium.

Have we gone by so much that we forget what the older people have gone through?

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It is ironic so to speak, to have two ex boy friends that shares the same birth date. At least one of the consolation that I have that another ex is younger than the other.

On that faithful night, I sent an SMS to The Boy, not knowing if I should expect that sarcastic reply from him or something more subtle. It is after all, years have past.

No reply.

No delivery report.

Nothing.

The Boy has changed his number.

He … disappeared.

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It was the memories; memories of you in my heart for that short period of time that we were together.

Remember the time when I went over to your place, and then we started sending text messages to each other expressing our interest? Remember the time when you sneak out from school to come see me because you said you miss seeing me?

It was never easy letting you go; I have learn that sometimes it is always best to let things go in order for us to continue moving forward.

Looking back at the things that was in the store made me thinking. What was it that made us together despite our differences.

I can’t find a reason.

It’s time now, to let it all go.

Maybe you still have a small spot in my heart, but for now, I think I still have space to store things up under my bed.

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Christmas is supposed to be a happy thing, a joyful thing.

Ever since the breakup with The Boy, Christmas has never been the same.

Merry Christmas to all, and especially to you, my boy.

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I could not get myself to do it. The last time I tried, I got a “Anything? I am busy” reply from him and that feeling totally sucks.

I was at Hannah Tan’s concert at The Garden’s ballroom. Alone.

I brought a gift, a gift that I thought would make some boy happy. I registered myself, and pass the staff my gift and proceed to the ballroom where Hannah Tan was going to sing.

It was THE song, the song that made me almost shed my tears; the song from the local group, Innuendo.

Driving home, with my thoughts stuck in my head, more tears starting to flow uncontrollably.

I last saw The Boy sometime in August in a club somewhere in Kuala Lumpur. I think the person that I saw that was with him is his boy friend, but I wasn’t too sure.

Till today, I don’t know why, but I still think of him all the time. Perhaps I still miss him, but something I really do not want to.

I tried to keep myself from messaging him, I tried to not think of him, but every time I do, I failed miserably.

Perhaps I will never forget him. Perhaps every year, I will go back to this state of uncertainty, perhaps …

They say, true love are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.

Happy birthday, my boy.

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“Dear, I just reached Subang Jaya station. You can come pick me up now.”

It was a call from Jack, a boy that I had met on the Internet a few days ago. Jack is a sweet looking boy, staying not too far away from me and we both liked each other. The way he talk, the way he looked like and the way he dressed up. The call had woke me up from my sleep; I quickly dressed up, and head over to the station.

It was almost raining when I was out from the house on the way to pick Jack up. I was worried that I might not like Jack because pictures can tell lies, sometimes. I reached the station and I could not find him, he was at the inside of the station. I saw him walking towards me after I make a call to him and found him. He looked different from the picture that I saw, like I said, picture tell lies sometimes.

We went straight back home. I stripped him off his cloths, and he lied down on the bed.

I rubbed myself with a layer of lubricant, and entered him. It was easy, it was smooth. He gave a slight moan.

It wasn’t right. The feeling of penetrating Jack feels exactly like how it felt when I make love with The Boy. How could it be? It has been such a long time, I could have just forgotten how it feels like already. How long had we not had anything? Two years perhaps?

I was already exhausted, and it gotten more when we finish our first session. Jack lie on my chest, and both of us fell asleep.

I felt something on my nose. It was Jack playing with my nose, and it woke me up. Both of us were stalk naked as how we were first born. He put his head on my chest, with his tongue sticking out licking my nipple. I stroked his hair in approval. He went down south, licking my cock head slowly, and then the whole shaft. He then changed position, lifting my legs up for better access to my testicles, and my love tunnel.

It was early in the morning and I got really horny. I met this guy online who was coming down to KL from Genting. He was on his way to Uniten, but would not mind stopping by my house.

I directed him to my house.

I did not like him the moment I started to talk with him. He is asking too many questions.

I lie down on the bed waiting to be sucked and penetrated. Yes, I was horny, but I wasn’t up for fucking someone, I wanted to be fucked. He first started by working on my nipples, it excites me every time. He work himself to my cock, and then I got him a condom. He got a small cock, but just right perhaps for the amount of time that my love tunnel spent unexplored.

It was painful, not because of the sheer size, but rather the friction from the latex. I pulled his cock out wanting to pull off the condom. He complained that he have not cum yet. I was a little annoyed, and I kept quiet. I smeared a little more lubricant and pulled him closer to me, it was heavenly and he let out a really loud moan, and comment.

He was bad in bed, really bad. I changed position, and told him that I want to fuck him instead. I gloved up myself and penetrated him ignoring his complaints. When I was gloving up myself, he asked me to use back the condom that I threw on the floor. I guess his misinformed brains did not register when they teach them condoms are single use only.

I lube him up again after I gloved him. He penetrated me easier this time. Rocking back and forth, he came; in five minutes.

Before he left, he asked me to call him whenever I need a fuck. I guess this would be the first and the last time I will see him. My ass is still sore though.

Licking my sore ass from the morning encounter, it was rather soothing. Then I remembered I had not clean up after the morning encounter, I quickly pulled Jack up kissing him on his lips.

We fucked again, and then cleaned up ourself and head out meeting my friends for dinner.

Thomas called me up for a drink. I went over to where he was after I picked up another friend. I needed to talk to Thomas to update our little business adventure that we had.

“This is Jack, my boy friend.”

My friends were surprised. To most of them, me and Thomas having this thing together. Thomas is straight, and will be straight; but things happens sometimes, and we are sort of officially seeing each other.

We went drinking, dinner and walking around. It was soon midnight.

Jack was exhausted from the outing. He collapsed immediately after his shower, and I lie down beside him hugging him from the back. He turned around giving me a kiss on the cheek. We were both naked on the bed, Jack went straight to my cock, and shove the whole shaft to his mouth, and begin working it.

“Fuck me again, dear.”

He commanded.

I lube myself up, and this time, I took the ride slowly. I wanted to have that same feeling again, that I was making love with The Boy. It felt that way, all the way for the whole 2 hours.

I could not sleep, the thoughts of having Jack as the ‘replacement’ does not seem right. Even though the feeling of us making love seems to be so intense, but that feeling of love isn’t there, at least not yet.

I would love to have a boy to myself, to pamper and to be pampered. To have something to talk to, to have something to bully and the most important, to have someone to love. Is this all ever possible? Will I ever get over it? No one knows.

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It was that time when I was walking in to the club, hoping to see some random cute boys that I stumbled upon a familiar face.

It was him, the boy that I was crying for for the past one and a half years, the boy that I had put my everything, the boy that I missed so much, that I still have his pictures on my computer desktop.

He was looking at me when I walked into the club, when I looked at him back, he quickly looked away, and trying not to exchange glance with me. That moment, it felt so painful that I can actually feel a stray tear trying really hard to get out from my tear gland.

I tried to continue my night without thinking anything about him. I started drinking, and my friends were giving me drinks. The night started pretty slowly as the boys and girls were on the dance floor dancing. I was standing beside the DJ booth trying to dance myself to the music.

More drinks were flowing to my throat, I can see the boy happily dancing and drinking with his bunch of friends from where I was standing.

It was after midnight that the drinking of 12 year old distilled malt drink that is getting me tipsy. I did not just stopped there, I continued drinking.

The next thing I know, more tears were flowing, and I was looking at the boy, trying to think back the times when we were still together; trying to think back the good times when we were still together.

It worked, with the music, and the abundance alcohol, I finally break down, and cried.

I was pissed drunk, I could not even walk straight. My friend who I was with could not drive my car, she had to call another friend of mine who were already home to come pick us up.

I sometimes still wonder, how long will this last. For the past 3 months, I had already stopped shredding tears for the boy. I tried to move on, but I don’t think I can now after I see myself what had happened to myself.

I always thought that having someone else in my heart now would change everything. I was wrong, again.

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I know I normally do not post videos, but there is always the first time in doing anything.

I can safely say that this song has been my companion ever since our break up.

I was introduced to the song by The Boy, he was having his bad day one day while I was with him, and he kept on playing the song again and again. He told me that he could listen to the same song all day long, and not get bored of it. Tears and emotion filled his eyes when he said that.

I guess, he might be missing someone.

The thing about The Boy is, he had kept his past love life a secret. I had no idea how many boy friends he had, or was it good or not.

They say that when a relationship ends for whatever reason, there are there are some left over ‘garbage’ that needs to be cleared off; else those ‘garbage’ will be a major barrier to having a successful future relationships.

I haven heard from him for at least a couple hundred days. Okay fine, almost a whole year and a half. Still, I don’t mind hearing his voice. Problem is, will I be emotional and break down and cry? Or will I be normal; sad bu normal?

After reading the article, Healing From Past Relationships I felt it was quite true that perhaps I could not let it go is because there are still the ‘garbage’ inside me that I have not sorted out.

Question is, would I want to let go? Faces all around me, they don’t smile but they just crack. Waiting for the ship, but the ship is not coming back. Given something to believe, I think I can overcome The Boy. I think I can, I believe I can.

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