Cedric Ang

As I sit myself on the plane, doing something out of my routine I was reflecting on my goals and achievements that I have done throughout the year.

It was just moments ago before I leave the hotel room to Incheon, that I weigh myself on the scale. I gained another 5kg of weight. It was nothing unusual, really.

Come every December, it seems to be the month where I gain some weight. Perhaps due to the kinda depression that I have to go through, or perhaps it was due to the holiday and year end. I would like to think that it was because of the holiday, but deep inside, I know it was because I miss The Boy.

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I do not know when, but when I last sent The Boy a one-sided short text message, I did not receive a delivery report. No replies, no delivery report, nothing. This was back in 2010.

A few days back, as I was browsing on my Whatsapp, I saw a familiar number that was on Whatsapp. It was The Boy’s number; I have kept his number till date, not wanting to remove it from my address book, not wanting to remove him.

Ironic, I am still not able to get him on Facebook, he has just vanished.

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Did I really try to make everyone happy, that I have totally forgotten about myself? Why is it every time when I needed to talk to somebody, no one seem to be available to talk to me?

I should be the kinda person that when I press a button on my phone, there should be someone that I could talk to, easily. Instead when I scroll through my address book, all I can find are the numbers of my fuck buddies, sex partners, one night stands and no one else. Has my life ‘evolved’ so much that sex is only what I need, and not love anymore?

To think, the session was pretty fantastic just now, but like an orgasm, it was great and then it died off.

We just fucked, but in actual fact I needed someone to talk to, someone where I could relate.

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For as far as I remembered, The Boy and I have not been contacting each other for at least a year. The last time that I have actually contacted him was actually a one sided sms message to him wishing him a happy birthday.

It is ironic so to speak, to have two ex boy friends that shares the same birth date. At least one of the consolation that I have that another ex is younger than the other.

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I could not put myself together to clean up the bulk of things that I kept in the store.

It was the memories; memories of you in my heart for that short period of time that we were together.

Remember the time when I went over to your place, and then we started sending text messages to each other expressing our interest? Remember the time when you sneak out from school to come see me because you said you miss seeing me?

It was never easy letting you go; I have learn that sometimes it is always best to let things go in order for us to continue moving forward.

Looking back at the things that was in the store made me thinking. What was it that made us together despite our differences.

I can’t find a reason.

It’s time now, to let it all go.

Maybe you still have a small spot in my heart, but for now, I think I still have space to store things up under my bed.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy thing, a joyful thing.

Ever since the breakup with The Boy, Christmas has never been the same.

Merry Christmas to all, and especially to you, my boy.

There again I was contemplating if I should call The Boy or at least sent him a short message.

I could not get myself to do it. The last time I tried, I got a “Anything? I am busy” reply from him and that feeling totally sucks.

I was at Hannah Tan’s concert at The Garden’s ballroom. Alone.

I brought a gift, a gift that I thought would make some boy happy. I registered myself, and pass the staff my gift and proceed to the ballroom where Hannah Tan was going to sing.

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Sitting by the balcony, sipping on the ice cooled coffee listening to the beats of DJ Fuze on Hitz I began pondering about the events that happened.

“Dear, I just reached Subang Jaya station. You can come pick me up now.”

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I thought I would have forgotten him, but the incident on a Saturday night in Kuala Lumpur just proves how much I still care about him, and how much I really missed him.

It was that time when I was walking in to the club, hoping to see some random cute boys that I stumbled upon a familiar face.

It was him, the boy that I was crying for for the past one and a half years, the boy that I had put my everything, the boy that I missed so much, that I still have his pictures on my computer desktop.

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I know I normally do not post videos, but there is always the first time in doing anything.

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