May 2008 Archives

One of the things that I do not like is being in a lift with a total stranger. The worst part of it is being in the car is when the other stranger is giving you that grin or the looks.

I had that brief moments earlier when I was on the way to the office. It wasn’t a very long ride, just 3 floors in the rather slow ‘lift motion’.

I seriously do not understand why is the relationship always like this.

As much as I want it to turn to a sweet side of the story, as much as I tried to do what is I assume is the best, it always turn outs to be something else.

Sometimes, some things are best buried, about 6 feet under.

I am feeling really lonely right now. I can’t do much about it.

The main reason, is because I have lost my phone, I never thought it was necessary to restore the contacts in my phone because I had the few important numbers in my phone that I would be calling when I needed someone to talk with; I was wrong.

You see, this friend of mine has got this unusual sleeping schedule. He sleeps when everyone is awake, and awake when everyone sleeps. When I tried to call him just now, he was sleeping.

Now I can really feel how Will Smith is feeling in the movie ‘I Am Legend’. Imagine a world where you have no one to talk to, a world where there is nothing.

Every once a while, people tend to do things out of the ordinary. Trying to push their own limits that they have set to themself, to get out from their comfort zone.

I had wanted to leave that comfort zone for a very long time, but I had not dare to do that because I wasn’t sure how things would be, and how well can I handle them.

As much as I would like to talk about L in the blog, and as much as I do not want to because it is a public domain, I cant. Mainly because L is involved in many events in my life.

It is the 2nd day that I have left my office without any notice.

I needed to take the time off for the time being. Need to rest the soul as they say.

Coincidently, yesterday I was at Pavilion’s Starbucks when I got online. I saw a bunch of friends that I had not met for a very long time.

It slipped my mind for a while. After I got back from Genting, to pluck a flower for L, he called me.

Well, the conversation was a pretty long one, but in the conversation, L said that he wasn’t too comfortable me mentioning about the things that we do together in the blog, he knows that I write about him. I guess that is how he sometimes check on me, and see how I feel about certain things.

Anyways, I have promised him that I am not going to mention anything about us in the blog from now on. I will just have to put my writings into my trusty diary that I have been neglected for so many years.

So for now, no more updates on my relationship with Lester. Sorry folks.

Even thought we are seeing each other now, it seems like the situation has not improve at all. I don’t know how should I put it, but I am trying to do everything that I possibly can to get back L’s trust, and the relationship. I guess this is my ‘last card’ before I really give up and move on. 4 years is quite a bit of wait, especially for a person that is impatient like me.

Lester has been struggling with his studies. He had not been having good sleep since then. I had told him that I would not mind getting him to Singapore to further his studies, and in the mean time, I can too start a new life there. It works both ways, depending on if we wanted it to work or not.

Okay, I am not officially worried yet, but I am very very worried right now and my mind is thinking those that are not necessary.

I met up with Lester just now; we had a small argument, and I prefer to talk with him face to face instead of just exchanging words on MSN, things can get really ugly when you chat on MSN, sometimes.

So, I went over to pick up L, he got to go back for dinner by 8, and I picked him up by 7. Reached home about 15 minutes later, and we started talking about issues that we are facing.

Well, I have finally done it. Due to L’s request previously, and the requirement to get a work permit in Singapore, I went to PT for a HIV Screening.

To those that had sent me your best wishes on IM, and those that asked me the results the moment I signed in, I truly appreciate them. For the friends that called me, friends that had send me emails, I truly love you all.

To a friend that sent me a video that he made, it really made my day. Thanks too!

For those readers that reads my blog, I am still doing okay, and I am fine.

When I am nervous, I tend to write a lot. Trying to get things off my head as far back as possible. When I think too much, I get excited, anxious and depression then starts to kick in. It is not good for both myself, and the people that is surrounding me; especially Lester.

If you haven notice, I have been starting to call L Lester in the blog. I think it is a good thing since Lester had already acknowledge it. I mean, there are a dozen of people with the name Lester anyways, gay or not *smile*.

Life is just full of speed bumps and potholes.

Just when you thought everything would be okay, you set out your plans to embrace what is good to come, you then find out that in order to get a work permit in Singapore requires you to have a medical checkup. Which means, a HIV test.

If you have followed my blog early enough, you would have read that I was contemplating into doing the test because I was scared and worried. I wasn’t scared of the process, but more to anxious about the results.

As much as I would like things to work out together between us, things are just not the way that we always want them to be.

I am worried that things might not work out between us, not the relationship part, but rather the whole ‘staying in Singapore’ part. Perhaps in L’s mind, I am making this decision because I wanted to be with him. Well, partially because I really wanted to be with him. Another part of me just wanted to leave Malaysia for good, or the longest possible time, if possible.

It was a Wednesday morning. We had planned this for almost a week already; to go to Singapore Tourism Board to find out all the information that we need, both for studies and working in Singapore.

Of course, I have been hoping for this outing since a week ago when a friend helped me to convince L of the meet up. I know that it was something awkward for L because he has been avoiding me for quite some time.