April 2008 Archives

I must say, what had happened was quite a surprise to me.

Well, remember that L had started to talk to me about a week ago about his education? Everything went on the good way after that conversation. I was pretty glad actually.

There were a few instances that we did argue about stuffs. L was afraid that I might pull out, because I had threaten to do so, and that is because I wasn’t sure about the whole thing, I had not got that assurance from L that I will have a space in his heart.

After almost 3 weeks, so many things have happened.

At least, I noticed that L had not stay away from me anymore. Well on certain things he still do, but overall has been good.

So, just a short post until I can gather my words.

xoxo

I feel damn fucking stupid now. Yes, I am damn fucking stupid. I thought I can pull some strings and thought everything would go well.

No, instead, I have to endure 1 hour of the his torment, not only that, it leads me to more pain now because of that.

The doctor had asked me to stay away from caffeine. It was one of the main reasons why I was always anxious about things that are happening around me. I stopped taking coffee as my daily routine, and it helped tremendously.

Aside from that, I am also on a couple of drugs that the doctor had prescribed me, it really help a lot in terms of both talking with L, and my office colleagues. Not only did it kept me calm down most of the time, it also helped me to think about things rationally, and execute my plans well.

For the past 10 days or so, I have not had a proper meal. It wasn’t because food was not available to me, but rather the food just doesn’t look appetizing enough for me to eat.

L knows I love eating, and I have been gaining weight slowly. L did complained to me that I am getting fatter and he did jokingly said he would leave me one day

I am sure a couple of people have read about my suicide episodes after L had found himself a companion.

Almost 10 days ago it was when it all started. Everything went on so fast, too fast that it took me down like a defenseless ant.

40 sleeping pills, a couple of pain killers, a couple of ‘Panadol’ and a bottle Vodka, I woke up almost 26 hours later. It was a miracle, but the thought of L is still fresh in my mind. My mind started to wander around the realm out of the reality and trying to think without the actual thinking.

Oh fuck it, I seriously hate this kind of feelings. The feelings of being alone, in the room. Listening to the music that only spells for disaster!

How can I be so vulnerable to a boy that had left me for someone else. How can I be so vulnerable with streaks of tears falling down my cheek just by looking at the SMS that L had sent me.

Since I keep on thinking just about L, I thought perhaps I can make a list of the things that I cannot forget about him. Things that I remember so fondly about him.

You see, in this short 5 months relationship, we have been together like well, too much. I won’t say its a good thing because the more we see each other, the more disagreement we have. Then again, I won’t say it’s a bad thing, because the period of time that we see each other, actually bonds us together even stronger.

Well, unfortunately I raised my voice and cursed at him for no obvious reasons. The only thing that I can do now is to regret my actions, and try to get him back again.

I foolishly violated the trust of someone who was supremely important to me. If I could hit ‘rewind’ and make the decision differently, I would do it in a heartbeat.. But I can’t. Will I ever be able to rebuild the relationship?

I am angry, I don’t know what to say.

Well, I met K. K is the guy that is working in the pub together with L’s new boy friend, lets call him K2.

I got kinda close with K because he is a nice guy. Well, I don’t really care what L would think, but that pub is a pub that I frequent long time ago, even before I met L.

Anyways, L wasn’t there today. Well I didn’t want to see him anyways. What happened yesterday night was already enough of the story to tell.

K requested me to fetch his ex boy friend from Wangsa Maju. I agreed because I have got nothing to do; better than sitting at home feeling lonely, I went over.

I knew K2 is the kinda guy that fools around. Just when I fetch K’s ex boy friend over, immediately K2 approached him. I asked K if K2 knows his ex boy friend, apparently K is pissed at K2 because of the flirting as well.

Sigh …

The gloomy weather is making me feeling depressed. Suddenly, it felt as if I am lost, in a wide open space. Everything just speeds on so fast, things beside us changed too rapidly that we can’t cope with the speed.

So many things needs to be answered. Uncertainties, confusion and what not.

When you are so used to having someone by your side and you become comfortable, out of the sudden you let down your deterrent but when you begin to believe in the most amazing things that could happen to you. It simply wears off when you realized you have just been idealistic and unrealistic.

In life, there are just so many if’s and we just can’t answer to all of them.

As much as I do not understand how did L got together with the other guy, I could not understand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too random, too fast and too quick.

There are certain little things that one must be able to see, the small little things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more attention instead of asking him questions and questions, if I had only control my temper, if I had only send him gentle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

I had a long chat on MSN with a close friend, and I think I know what the problems is.

You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

There are no words that I can put in a sentence to describe how much I love L.

When he did not return my calls or SMS, I got really worried. I said was worried of his safety. In reality, I was worried about something else.

L is a person that could be easily influenced by someone. After what had happened, it only assure me more that I have to protect L, and love him more than I ever could.

The worst thing of events that are happening right now are something that I wasn’t prepared for.

A couple of weeks back, I had an argument with L, simply because I have brush aside a question that L had asked me. Why do I want to meet up with younger people. I had to brush it aside first because of work. I was busy working on something and I did not want that to interfere. I thought it would be alright, I was dead wrong.

When I receive words from L that he will be out with a friend to a pub for an interview, I was worried.

After I have started the courtship with L, I have given him my spare phone number which is also my supplimentary line number because it would be more logic to call or text me using that number. Although that L promised me he would pay his end of the line, I would not care.

When he break the news that he was with a friend in a pub, it got me worried, and only to get worst when I still had not hear from him way until closing time of any pub is allowed to open.

Well, I have got this planner that I have wanted to give to someone special.

So, anyone would like to own a nice year planner from Starbucks, send me an email with your mailing address. I have 2, and I will send it to you wherever you are. Just make sure your address is valid.

Give away is now closed. There are a few people that mailed in, and a few that left comments. I have specifically asked for an email with a valid email address.

So, both the planner goes to

1. Jasraj Sandhu
2. famezgay

I will be sending them out in a couple of days. Watch your mailboxes.

Inspired by Robb’s couple shot post, I thought of writing something similar to what my relationships ups and downs been going through.

I must admit, it is quite true to say that gay relationships do not last as long. Perhaps mainly the objective of a gay relationship is sex, sex and even more sex. I must admit that sex does come easier, if you are gay.

From all my relationships with my ex boy friends, I had only had a relationship that lasted me for 2 years; even that too started off with sex.

It is not an easy task sometimes to slip on a condom while you are already in the mood of making out with your lovers. However, the thoughts and the lifestyle of casual sex nowadays does warrant for such preventive measures.

I would not say that condoms are a totally turn offs, in fact I think it is quite an experience if you could get your partner to put on a condom for you during foreplay before the actual act of sexual intercourse.

It is during the holiday when I had nothing better to do. It is a day where I can rest myself from the daily office tussles. A day where I can sleep.

However on this day, I have decided to clean up the closet.

I have found some really interesting stuffs. Stuffs like stories that I have downloaded from the net long time ago, way before graphical porn become a popularity. Books that I have turned into my diary and scribbled my heart content at that moment of time, I have found several of them.

One of the most interesting piece of envelope was actually from a hotel stay that I had back in 2006 in a small town called Taiping.