Cedric Ang

I need to get the hang of this.

Yes. A few months ago, a lot of things had been happening and in the process I have lost control of my blog.

No, it wasn’t hacked, I just forgot to send in the payment, and they deleted the blog. Good thing for RSS readers, I managed to savage the posts.

Then the idea if putting myself into Facebook came into my mind. I did not really like the idea, because of the past incident where my profile had been faked and duplicated all over facebook, and other gay networking website. Then again, to see it in another way, I guess it was a good thing, I am good looking, thats why people use my pictures.

So now, I am trying to get the whole blogging thing working again, and hopefully things will be running more smoothly for me.

Was it really that bad?

The other night, while I was trying to get to bed, I think of the boy again. I don’t know why, but nowadays it seems like a habit to me. Perhaps my body is getting really used to this by now. I mean, how can it not be?

For the past 9 months I have been trying, trying to get a hold of myself, trying to grip on to something. Nothing.

For the past 9 months, all I could think was, how can I continue to live like this, how could I continue to do anything. I was afraid; afraid to get out and have fun, afraid to make new friends because I was scared that I might fall in love again. I was afraid of falling in love.

I thought it would be a good thing, to fall in love again, to be kissing someone, getting kissed back. If only my pillow could hug me back when I hug my pillow, if only that magical moment happens, I would not mind just hugging on to my pillow.

Yes, I was thinking about it, should I just go away in an accident? But I was afraid of pain. What if I wasn’t going fast enough, what if I had to suffer later? What if, I destroyed my face? NO!

I don’t want that. I want to die in an open casket, I want people to see my last look, I want people to miss me, but I am dead, would I still feel that way? I doubt.

I am afraid of dying, and yet, there is this part of me that says I want to be.

I want to be kissed, I want to be loved. I want to be hugged.

That’s all I want.